Color By Numbers
In the beginning of my life everything was like a simple color by the numbers picture. Primaries only, color crayons coming in three packs. One equals red, two equals blue, and three equals yellow. Nothing complicated. Everything simple and organized.
As I grew older, the numbers became equations, and the colors become secondary shades of the same primaries I grew up with. Instead of the one equaling red, it now equals orange, instead of the two equaling blue it now equals green, and instead of the three equaling yellow, it now equals purple.
With these new rules and guidelines, things became more complicated. Mistakes happened, and the carefully numbered shapes became a calamity of mismatched colors that I had no idea how to fix.
Confused to no end I gave up, unable to handle the chaos that I’d created. In my eyes, this creation was not beautiful. In my eyes, or should say, my blind eyes, I could not find beauty in disaster. In my eyes, if things weren’t perfect, then, well, they weren’t beautiful.
And I’ve come to realize that, I’d been convinced that perfection equated to beauty and beauty to perfection.
I find it sad that when I look back at myself and realize that I was constantly striving for this unattainable perfection. This intangible object, that society constantly shoved down my throat. I find it sad that I was striving for something, I didn’t quite want, but was constantly assured would make me like everyone else. Would make me the same.
And that’s when I’ve realized: Maybe I wasn’t trying to be perfect, maybe I was just striving for normality. Because normality was something that was unattainable to me. Because normality was constantly depicted in my life and it was something I wanted for myself, but knew I could never have.
So now looking back, I realize that maybe these color by the numbers pictures were not so simple to begin with. Now looking back I realize that the two different types of pictures I’d created, depicted a half of me. One half showing the way I wanted things, and the other half depicting the way things really were.
In the beginning of my life everything was like a simple color by the numbers picture. Primaries only, color crayons coming in three packs. One equals red, two equals blue, and three equals yellow. Nothing complicated. Everything simple and organized.
As I grew older, the numbers became equations, and the colors become secondary shades of the same primaries I grew up with. Instead of the one equaling red, it now equals orange, instead of the two equaling blue it now equals green, and instead of the three equaling yellow, it now equals purple.
With these new rules and guidelines, things became more complicated. Mistakes happened, and the carefully numbered shapes became a calamity of mismatched colors that I had no idea how to fix.
Confused to no end I gave up, unable to handle the chaos that I’d created. In my eyes, this creation was not beautiful. In my eyes, or should say, my blind eyes, I could not find beauty in disaster. In my eyes, if things weren’t perfect, then, well, they weren’t beautiful.
And I’ve come to realize that, I’d been convinced that perfection equated to beauty and beauty to perfection.
I find it sad that when I look back at myself I realize that I was constantly striving for this unattainable perfection. This intangible object, that society constantly shoved down my throat. I find it sad that I was striving for something, I didn’t quite want, but was constantly assured would make me like everyone else. Would make me the same.
And that’s when I’ve realized: Maybe I wasn’t trying to be perfect, maybe I was just striving for normality. Because normality was something that was unattainable to me. Because normality was constantly depicted in my life and it was something I wanted for myself, but knew I could never have.
So now looking back, I realize that maybe the color by the numbers pictures I’d created were not so simple to begin with. Now looking back I realize that the two different types of pictures I’d created, depicted a half of me. One half showing the way I wanted things, and the other half depicting the way things really were.
[ I feel like this isn't what I want to express in my IDentity video. I'll probably revise. Or just scrap it all together and create something new. Something more personal, something I haven't quite figured out yet. ]
